For Nathan

I feel bad for spending the day being laden by marital woes yesterday when I really
should be celebrating Nathan's actual 10th birtday.

10 years ago, blogging and phototaking has not birth but my son had.
10 years ago, if I had invested what I did in my son, I could be rich - materially but not spiritually, emotional and all intangible benefits where I don't know how to start describing.
10 years ago, I look at the wailing infant and wonder if he'd ever grow up. This kid certainly did. Brilliantly too - all mums are bias.

22nd Oct 1997...
Woke up at 7ish morning to kiss Daddy whilst he got ready to go to work. Lie down and dig face in pillow to get a few minutes more to laze. Little did I know that was the last morning for several years I could do the same.
8.30am - wash up and read a book. There were never really hunger pangs whilst having you.
10am - got ready for Gynae check today. We are seeing Suresh Nair at KK hospital almost every week now cos you are now about 39 weeks in gestation. You are not as active but I reckon it's because you are getting bigger and there's little room for you to move in there.
11.15am - there should be a lot of babies this year, judging from the usual 2-3 hours wait before I get a 20mins consultatation from Dr Nair. Oh, Jenny (Dr Nair's nurse) called and it's our turn!
I casually mentioned that you weren't as active as before and wanted him to give me the affirmation that it's normal. He kept quiet which is not his norm. Then, he looked at me and asked if I'm ready. Wow, so this is it?
He told me to prepare and be back at 2.30pm, the first thing I did was call your Daddy (on public phone). Since he's in a fluster, I gave specifics - to go home and change first, bring my already pre-pack bag and meet me at 2.30pm.
12pm - I took the shuttle bus to Bugis Junction and ordered lunch. We had a hearty meal, a bowl of black chicken soup and claypot rice. I did a little window shopping to try to calm my excitement.

I know that life would be different but was curious how much changes could it be. I wondered random things... How you look like - the scans were black patches and honestly, I see nothing. If I could slim down after that. If I could breastfeed you successfully. If you had hair. If you were fair like Daddy or darker like me. If I could do normal delivery. If you'd have good friends.

2.15pm - called Daddy and he's on the way. I told him I'd wait for him at the register counter.

He arrived and we did the paper work and stuff. I was told to go into the pre-maternity ward and was strapped down and linked to a machine that will monitor your hearbeat. I was then told by the nurse that she will insert a pill into me to induce birth.

My heart stopped for a minute. Why wasn't this explained earlier? Okay, I didn't ask cos I was swallow in the knowledge of giving birth but not totally ignorant!
Anyway, after the initial confusion and feeling let down. I let myself be cool about the entire situation. With the machine making rhythmic beeping sound, my lunch digesting.. I er.. slept. All I can say is that I know that I'm in good hands.
Poor Daddy had to wait outside restlessly and I'm not sure if he had lunch or not!

6ish evening - the nurse informed that if I had any contractions yet. I am aching from being strapped on for a few hours and had not felt anything else so groggily I asked "how does contraction feel like?". She looked pretty peeved before she went out. It was honestly a genuine question. She could have been more obliging.

They are pushing me to the delivery suite. Newly renovated, beautiful equipments and very comfy atmosphere.
A pair of handsome couple walked in and they told me that they are going to check me. Whispering that I was 4cm dilating. I felt pretty uncomfortable that these housemen checking my *ahem*. so I asked if Dr Suresh is here anytime soon. They just gave a silly smile and mumbled yes or something. I was there thinking that why do I need all these people to check me when I paid for a specialist Gynae.

Sometime later, a midwife came in to check and grunted that I'm dilating increasingly. Oh well, I thought that was a breeze, I had no contraction yet but I'm dilating!
*Nathan, you may not understand it now, you will when your wife tells you about it.*
She carried on her normal routine checks and then turn to daddy and told him to go for his dinner first. Giving birth takes a long time. Quite unlike movies eh?
And he did but promptly came back with newspaper, almost like in less than half an hour.

I feel a slight ache from spine but had no idea if it was due the earlier condition of being strapped.

8ish evening, I smell trouble when this midwife comes in. She swiftly did her routine and push out the drip. Before I know it, she held my left hand started poking. It hurt really bad! So bad that I teared involuntarily. I SWEAR! then the darn nurse said "cry what, later give birth more painful ah". At that moment, I felt like screaming at her but I didn't.
After several pokes to get the drip into my system, the needle was crooked which means the thin flesh and never below felt really twisted and the pain is excruciating. Before I could recover from that, she asked if I've pee-ed. I gave a questioning "huh" but does not mean no. She promptly shoved a tube into me and got the urine out. It's really painful and it also felt degrading. I screamed at her for being so rough and also gave her a piece of my mind cos I'm in such a pain before the actual contraction that I lost my mind.. and temper.

She looked as if she's deaf but walked out with my pee. I bet she had a smirk on her face.
Aftermath, another pair of interns came in. This time, I shouted at them as I could no longer stand being abused and lying there and could do nothing. I tried to close my legs and told them to get out. The only next person I want to see is Dr Nair, whom I've paid as a specialist not a consultant. Which means, I should not have been treated that way!

They had no choice but to walk off and daddy just quietly ask me not to offend people in the hospital.

Dr Nair came in, looking fresh and all. He asked in his smooth voice if I was alright, I was tempted to rant but I did not. I just asked how long more. He checked and congratulated me for being 10cm dilated. I told him that I felt some pain from spine and he says that that's contraction building up. I remembered my epidural and asked for it. He says that it's too late to administer and I should have ask for it earlier. If I had known what to ask for, I would have known how to deliver! I could now only live on gas (and the drip that was still hurting real bad).

10plus..night. The contractions were coming in very strong. So very strong. Daddy took out his little book and remind me of the breathing techniques. Honestly, in desperate times like this, all I could do was mindless. They ask me to breathe gas, I breathe and the spasms of pain pass through whilst I was "high" on the gas as I was not allowed to push you out yet.
The contractions duration became shorter, the pain more intense each time. The temptation to push was so strong.
Finally, at one point, I was denied of the gas and was asked to push you. You are ready.
The next thing I know, you slipped out and Dr Nair showed me a glimpse of you and your *ahem* to make sure you are the boy we've been expecting. I thought they were going to give me the gooey looking you. They cleaned you up whilst daddy gave me assurance that I did well.
They wrapped you up in a little bundle and pass to me. The first thing I said to you is, why are you so wrinkled up. haha. You really looked like an old person.

the nurse curtly told me to start latching you on so that you will learn to suckle and my breast will condition to nurse.

so there, that's how it was my labour day and your amazing entrance to our family.

Cheers to you and may there be many more celebrations to come.

about marital fights

we've been doing alot of verbal fights these days between us. I hate it but I've been trying my utmost best to ignore it. It's been like for 8 months already.

Perhaps because there is a bugging resentment in me and when I say it, he does not want to acknowledge it at all.
My temperament is always been on the hot side. To me, I've been calming that alot, it takes enormous effort to do it but he expects it and I do have the feeling that he takes it for granted and does not appreciate.
On top of that, he always gives me the feeling that I can choose to be flexible in my job arrangement. It really does not matter to me to give more to the family but don't treat it like I'm a full time homemaker! I resent the fact that I'm doing everything and contributing to the dough too.

His priority differs alot from me. To him, he is already giving me support by fetching me to the run. But my brother in law not only sends his wife there, when they saw her coming in, they were cheering for her excitedly. Me, I was all alone when I came in and broke into cold sweat cos of my tummy ache and he wasn't there. I was very disappointed and I kept a straight face throughout the entire day and brushed it off my mind till he mentioned that he saw his sisters coming in only after he saw his brother cheering in his wife. I then mentioned that I was really sad that he and the kids was not there, what he answered could have made me fume but i didn't. He said:
1) he did not know where the end point was - hello, I wasn't the first participant to come in, who is he kidding?
2) he had to bring the kids to eat breakfast. He knows that I won't blame him if it's anything to do with kids.
3) he had to go through the science work my nephew had done. At the run? I pity his nephew and wonder why he had to do it during that time.
4) It's hard to lug 3 kids around. Saying as if they were only toddlers, I don't buy this.

I give up hoping, in fact, if I hadn't. I won't be able to sleep with him. Perhaps I have too much expectation. Perhaps I wished he had cared a little more and don't give excuses when he did not.
For now, I'm trying to focus on his plus points so that I can appreciate him more than resenting.

New York, New York..

So it's approved and all confirmed. I'd be working on an event next month in Manhattan and work in the office for a couple of days... then it's holiday!

And hubby is coming to join me for this trip. We'd be roaming Times Square, fifth Avenue, central park. Visit MOMA, go up Rockefella centre and perhaps attend a broadway play. He would be doing the liberty cruise, perhaps go to Empire State Building, check out Gound zero near my overseas office on the days when I'm working. We hope to find White Castle joint to see the rave about the square shaped burger.

That's only the first part, we'd head down to Philadelphia, Washington DC then to Buffalo to see the famous beautiful Niagara falls. I'm really excited!

PLUS! we'd be in time for the madness sale at the outlets just after their thanksgiving holiday! I sure hope everything works out perfect.