What comes after Sinning

Sunday sermon was by John Ng. He is one of my favourite speaker and for a simple reason - very easy to understand so that I can try to apply in my daily walk.


He was preaching on Psalms 51. Relating to the incident where King David committed adultery as well as murder due to the sin of covet.
This verse reminds me of a chorus that I love to sing everytime I feel burden with the things I know I cannot do but yet do..

Creat in me a clean heart

Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away from thy presence O Lord
And take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me


As much as I feel some relieve or uplifting from the song, the guilt in me still eats into me. Convicted and condemn at the same time. What John had preach did a large amount of assurance.


Restored and Recover

Not in the way of losing sensitivity and compassion. More of that to know that His precious blood and mercy has already redeemed us. So often, I take the restoration but forgot to recover (renew a right spirit within me) and that holds to a certain short term view towards future work for Him.

Fall of a modern 'great' man

In the same King David's context, John spoke about Jim Bakker , I know nothing about him as he is somewhat a legend in the 80s, some says that he is the world's most famous fallen tele-evangelist. Now I know what is the big hooha about the death of Tammy Faye .. What touched me about his story was not Jim but Billy Graham. Billy Graham visited J.Bakker when he was a prisoner, when the whole world wants nothing to do with Jim. The moment Billy Graham sees Jim, He hugged him and tells him that he love him (with the love of God). When Jim got out of prisons, Billy Graham paid for his house and car. Emotions crept into me, I felt alot like Jim. Although I was never at the height of public but I felt as human as Jim. Billy Graham is somewhat supernatural to demonstrate such love which only Jesus had shown.


My story

As a church youth leader, I did alot of things that was socially accepted. Don't get me wrong, I was also growing spiritually. However, my human nature is very weak and I still fall - and by grace of God, not many know what I have done. When I went to Australia to do my degree, I fell and I fell really hard. I engaged in pre-martital sex and realised that I was pregnant only after my then-boyfriend (now hubby) has come back after his finished his course of studies. He was also attending my then home church.

My mum had remitted monies for my school fees for the continuing term. The only thing that kept me going was my faith. I believed that although I have failed God, He still loves me and He will make my path straight again. Not as immediately though. I used my fees monies to buy me a one way ticket back home. Thank God that my partner in crime was supportive - bless him for his sense of responsibility and genuine love for me. He stood by me when I had to face my family, they had made things pretty ugly. Their demand made my status with my in laws really look bad. You see, I worked from my days since P6, IMO, I was a low maintenance kid. I had no tuition, since Sec 2, I paid for my own expenses including allowance. I paid for my own Poly diploma, gave my mum $300-400 per month - for future dowry she claims. When I wanted to go overseas to do my degree, I asked for the "dowry savings" and I promised to pay back after I finished my 2 years studies. She refused but accompanied me to take up a loan. It was very stressful for a 20 yo to think of all these, but I did. I got a guarantor on my own, borrowed a certain sum of money and went. Quite determine to come back with a vengence but God knows better. He wanted to mould my character.
My parents pushed my head further into the waters by asking my in laws to give $12000 hard cash. So that the loan is fully paid. For my dowry, I was given my commonwealth bank book - left A$2K and a very old chain with a jade with the shape of a fish.


For the first time, I knew what was called nothing-ness. I know abandoning. I know real friends. I know what is needy. I know the differences of advices.


I was needy - for sure. I had a bank account which I couldn't really use. I had $0 under my name except CPF savings. I was at the state of desperation. And for once, my mum gave me $50 out of pity.
But God gave sufficient. He gave my then-boyfriend a job so that he could pay for $336 for a pair of wedding band which we really wanted. Would anyone ever know that we cried over it because we were reprimanded for doing so? In that status, we should be whatever others bestow upon us - a pair of gold rings which costs $100 but we'll never wear.

We still went ahead to book a $3000 package which comprise of a wedding car, the bouquet on the actual day, the photos, the shoots... We live poorly but blissful. We also stuck on to God. I learnt from then not to depend on human strength nor human friends nor even family.
Hubby's friend, Desmond and his wife Wendy was someone who saw us through and through. Their blessings came in manifold. Desmond was my on-site camera man. His wife encouraged me, stood by me, told my parents and parents IL about God. Together, they helped to piece the missing pieces during our hardship. Bless them for shining through like ... Billy Graham. Most times, my home church die hard friends were not with me. they appeared on my wedding day, was my "sisters" and they did their best to bless my marriage.


My parents IL did all they could -worldly, to make a feast out of it. They took me in, gave us rental free home to set up our "nest", did my confinement, looked after my first born for us with whatever allowances my hubby gave - whether it be $400 or $600, they did the same. During those times, it was difficult. The learning curve was so hard.

From a person who has an opinion to someone who can only take opinions.
From a person who have a control of things have nothing.
From a person who can be carefree, now laden with loads of cares and hurts.
From a person who could make friends easily, now withdrawn because it's too painful to tell the story. To lie, depreciates the character so it's best to keep to oneself.


Our marriage also tasted it's downs. I have pre-post natal blues which hubby cannot really understand. Hard for him to take it all at once. Thank God he didn't become depress of something.
What you see now is a result of building up from scratch and with a large amount of God's blessings. Everytime I look at Nathan, I thank God that I did not take the easy way out to send him back to Heaven before he had a chance.


Now, after 10 years, when the dust has settled... Everyone says how blessed I am with a pair of children who is already so big. I agree, not without God's blessings. I can't relate to all of those who asks why I have children young..but I always say that the result looks good but the journey was really testing and tough. There are times now when I take things for granted but never without God's reminder.

With the victory and recovery over sin, I can relate when I sing about His amazing love. About God making the way for us. About standing amaze in His very presence. Amen..

About Cats

Hubby dislike cats, kittens. I had to come to his "rescue" at each appearance of a cat when we eat at the hawker centres.
We went to Ubi to have our Sunday lunch, Natasha spotted a grey striped kitten and went to it. The poor meow is thin to its bones and its right eye is infected. Tasha was talking to it and I can simply see her heart melted for it.
To distract her, I told her we will come back to check if the kitten is there after our lunch. She was totally easy for lunch, gobbled up her lunch before I can say hocuspocusdoddlelillydiddle.
She waited restlessly for me to finish my food as she was not allowed to visit the kitten on her own.
Alas, the kitten was still there when we returned. I told her that her daddy will not allow her to bring home. And the kitten is very sick already. I didn't expect that she would feel so much for the meow. Her tears came down. I cannot bear to see her that way because I am a softie when it comes to stray kittens too.
She tried to talk her daddy into rearing it but (expectedly) hubby will not be persuaded. She then returned to her seat and quietly sobbed. Not the sulking kind though.

It striked me that it's another milestone for her. She had never ask for pets, everytime we visit the shop where the hamsters, cats, rabbits are so cute, she will never ask to get them home. Perhaps because we already have a dog at home. But for this kitten, she simply could let go and I could feel so much compassion from her for the stray.