is that light at the end of the tunnel

The past couple of months had actually been the hardest. Last year, work though was challenging, it was manageable. In fact it was fun.

- My mum claims (yes claims) that she is very sick. She've seen at least a dozen of doctors and insists that none of them wants to tell her or pay attention to what problem she has. I learnt through siblings and herself that she is also turning to whatever religion there is to "save" her from her situation. So I officially proclaim her MENTAL.
Now, isn't that a nasty situation?
- Tasha, well has been rather an issue and that was in my previous blog
- Domestic helper. Not sure if it was her fault or is it my expectations. Or if we simply don't have the chemistry.
- 2 kids going for exams at the same time. And the going gets rougher as they progress.
- I was told to swop role and I wasn't prepared nor comfortable. I don't know what lies ahead. All I can hope for is that it'd a blessings in disguise.
- I was terribly sick and that made me feel depress for a while.
- My hubby dropped me the bomb that he owes quite a bit of money because of speculation.

Things are soooooooooooooooooooooooo much better now. Especially when I've learnt a few precious lessons.
- how to praise God in painful times.
- how to rely in God's steering and not get overly stressed over it.

there are other lessons I should learn but the defiant nature of mine does not allow that to happen. But I am sure when I commit my weakness to HIM, I will overcome.

Liar Liar, pants on fire?

Sometime ago, I discussed with some friends that my girl is a "convenient" liar. She tells her teacher one thing and spin an entire different tale to me. Plus, she is very believable. She was not punished but certainly didn't go without getting reprimanded. I had no idea how to deal with her because it hasn't gone on the seriously bad and I hate to be harsh. My son is no angel. But so far, he hadn't been caught lying.

Earlier this week, our colleague whom we fondly call "Pastor" because of his sound advise all the time on our Christian faith, said that he seldom corrects his daughter when she lies.
He admitted that he lied about having a remote control airplane at home when he didn't when he was younger.
It kinda blew me off to think that he condone to this sin. Didn't the Bible's commandment say "Thou shalt not lie"???

Coincidently, Cottontimer a.k.a. Hsien put up an article that provide some comfort to us parents who are eager to put our babes in the right track.

So now, this is such a complicated situation. Was I disciplining the wrong things - ALL these time??? And I've made my BP high, my heart beat faster, grow ulcers over teaching them these things that I thought will bring them up to be morally and biblical upright????

Ah.. but the HS prompted and provides with the answer which comforts me.
Why do you fret when you are but a steward over the children. God will guide and teach. It is better to be God righteous than to be self righteous.
Thanks to Him, Nathan and Natasha will turn out alright.

Cherish

I came home, cherishing the kids. I told them about Canaan and Nathan asked about Celebral Palsy. I pieced a lesson about commiting our weakness to God who will provide everything we need.
In times like this, HE would give us comfort and is our refuge.

ISaiah 40:31 says - but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

My nephew who is staying with us for 2 weeks thought and said that Canaan did not live because he did something bad in his previous life, Natasha and Nathan rebutt immediately that there is no previous life. Life is a gift from God. Nathan added that God has a purpose for this to happen.

Dinah, Canaan's aunt wrote this:
Dearest Canaan,
You came so quickly, you left so soon.
You were so little, yet so big in our hearts.
You were so fragile, yet you fought with such strength.
You spoke no words, yet you taught us so much.
You lived for a little while, yet you live in our hearts forever.
You showed us who we are.
You showed us who God is.
Thank you.
Goodbye, my little nephew.

On controversial topic

A colleague (also a fellow bro-in-christ) sent me an email he had sent to his friend/cousin on coming out his closet.

His friend referred to this blog http://theonlinecitizen.com/2007/09/10/toc-exclusive-otto-fongs-open-letter/which inspired him to be silent no longer about his sexual identity.


I once posted a blog on how disgusted I felt on the award winning movie, brokeback mountain and hurt a fellow blogger unwittyly. In all honesty, I had no malicious intentions. I just unleash personal thoughts and feelings about the film. And I have real life gay friends and we respect each other.
Am I considered shallow to not understand/befriend and (or even try to) accept homo or bi sexual? Am I term as "self righteous" and believe that God has had made man and woman but do not confuse either. It's always yay or nay, in or out, this or that. Not wishy washy half hearted or in betweens.

To put into some perspective of similar sin
I don't accept my luke warm attitude towards my faith too and it's digusting to be worldly christian. However, because I recognise that, I seek to be better and hope to be proud to face the God I serve when the day comes.
I believe it's a sin (as according to bible) but I sin everyday too. Sin is still ... sin. I am not above them not feel that I am more righteous than them.

My colleague correctly wrote about this topic "To a Christian being gay is like someone who is ill. We hate the disease but love the person. I believe once a gay person accepts Christ as his savior and Lord, and knows he is made righteous with God not by his own works, but by God's own works, the gay person will be healed. Jesus' blood continually washes the believer of all sins. A gay person once accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and savior will be forever saved, even when he is still a gay. But I believe his healing is not far off. In a way, God is the only true friend of a gay person. The world will never give grace and mercy to a sinner - any sinner, not just gay."

This has also open my understanding to partly why there is exasperation towards my bs group. Thank God for his wisdom.

What comes after Sinning

Sunday sermon was by John Ng. He is one of my favourite speaker and for a simple reason - very easy to understand so that I can try to apply in my daily walk.


He was preaching on Psalms 51. Relating to the incident where King David committed adultery as well as murder due to the sin of covet.
This verse reminds me of a chorus that I love to sing everytime I feel burden with the things I know I cannot do but yet do..

Creat in me a clean heart

Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away from thy presence O Lord
And take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me


As much as I feel some relieve or uplifting from the song, the guilt in me still eats into me. Convicted and condemn at the same time. What John had preach did a large amount of assurance.


Restored and Recover

Not in the way of losing sensitivity and compassion. More of that to know that His precious blood and mercy has already redeemed us. So often, I take the restoration but forgot to recover (renew a right spirit within me) and that holds to a certain short term view towards future work for Him.

Fall of a modern 'great' man

In the same King David's context, John spoke about Jim Bakker , I know nothing about him as he is somewhat a legend in the 80s, some says that he is the world's most famous fallen tele-evangelist. Now I know what is the big hooha about the death of Tammy Faye .. What touched me about his story was not Jim but Billy Graham. Billy Graham visited J.Bakker when he was a prisoner, when the whole world wants nothing to do with Jim. The moment Billy Graham sees Jim, He hugged him and tells him that he love him (with the love of God). When Jim got out of prisons, Billy Graham paid for his house and car. Emotions crept into me, I felt alot like Jim. Although I was never at the height of public but I felt as human as Jim. Billy Graham is somewhat supernatural to demonstrate such love which only Jesus had shown.


My story

As a church youth leader, I did alot of things that was socially accepted. Don't get me wrong, I was also growing spiritually. However, my human nature is very weak and I still fall - and by grace of God, not many know what I have done. When I went to Australia to do my degree, I fell and I fell really hard. I engaged in pre-martital sex and realised that I was pregnant only after my then-boyfriend (now hubby) has come back after his finished his course of studies. He was also attending my then home church.

My mum had remitted monies for my school fees for the continuing term. The only thing that kept me going was my faith. I believed that although I have failed God, He still loves me and He will make my path straight again. Not as immediately though. I used my fees monies to buy me a one way ticket back home. Thank God that my partner in crime was supportive - bless him for his sense of responsibility and genuine love for me. He stood by me when I had to face my family, they had made things pretty ugly. Their demand made my status with my in laws really look bad. You see, I worked from my days since P6, IMO, I was a low maintenance kid. I had no tuition, since Sec 2, I paid for my own expenses including allowance. I paid for my own Poly diploma, gave my mum $300-400 per month - for future dowry she claims. When I wanted to go overseas to do my degree, I asked for the "dowry savings" and I promised to pay back after I finished my 2 years studies. She refused but accompanied me to take up a loan. It was very stressful for a 20 yo to think of all these, but I did. I got a guarantor on my own, borrowed a certain sum of money and went. Quite determine to come back with a vengence but God knows better. He wanted to mould my character.
My parents pushed my head further into the waters by asking my in laws to give $12000 hard cash. So that the loan is fully paid. For my dowry, I was given my commonwealth bank book - left A$2K and a very old chain with a jade with the shape of a fish.


For the first time, I knew what was called nothing-ness. I know abandoning. I know real friends. I know what is needy. I know the differences of advices.


I was needy - for sure. I had a bank account which I couldn't really use. I had $0 under my name except CPF savings. I was at the state of desperation. And for once, my mum gave me $50 out of pity.
But God gave sufficient. He gave my then-boyfriend a job so that he could pay for $336 for a pair of wedding band which we really wanted. Would anyone ever know that we cried over it because we were reprimanded for doing so? In that status, we should be whatever others bestow upon us - a pair of gold rings which costs $100 but we'll never wear.

We still went ahead to book a $3000 package which comprise of a wedding car, the bouquet on the actual day, the photos, the shoots... We live poorly but blissful. We also stuck on to God. I learnt from then not to depend on human strength nor human friends nor even family.
Hubby's friend, Desmond and his wife Wendy was someone who saw us through and through. Their blessings came in manifold. Desmond was my on-site camera man. His wife encouraged me, stood by me, told my parents and parents IL about God. Together, they helped to piece the missing pieces during our hardship. Bless them for shining through like ... Billy Graham. Most times, my home church die hard friends were not with me. they appeared on my wedding day, was my "sisters" and they did their best to bless my marriage.


My parents IL did all they could -worldly, to make a feast out of it. They took me in, gave us rental free home to set up our "nest", did my confinement, looked after my first born for us with whatever allowances my hubby gave - whether it be $400 or $600, they did the same. During those times, it was difficult. The learning curve was so hard.

From a person who has an opinion to someone who can only take opinions.
From a person who have a control of things have nothing.
From a person who can be carefree, now laden with loads of cares and hurts.
From a person who could make friends easily, now withdrawn because it's too painful to tell the story. To lie, depreciates the character so it's best to keep to oneself.


Our marriage also tasted it's downs. I have pre-post natal blues which hubby cannot really understand. Hard for him to take it all at once. Thank God he didn't become depress of something.
What you see now is a result of building up from scratch and with a large amount of God's blessings. Everytime I look at Nathan, I thank God that I did not take the easy way out to send him back to Heaven before he had a chance.


Now, after 10 years, when the dust has settled... Everyone says how blessed I am with a pair of children who is already so big. I agree, not without God's blessings. I can't relate to all of those who asks why I have children young..but I always say that the result looks good but the journey was really testing and tough. There are times now when I take things for granted but never without God's reminder.

With the victory and recovery over sin, I can relate when I sing about His amazing love. About God making the way for us. About standing amaze in His very presence. Amen..

Wonderful Morning!

Hubs needed to reach Nee soon camp at 7.30am. We were early when we set out, which is a rare on a Saturday.

The morning view was so beautiful! There was no chance to take any pics as hubs friend arrived... but to describe it a little of what was seen..
The sun shines from the back of some rolling clouds. The dash of orange, yellow rays on the white clouds and the grey blue sky was breathe-taking. The patch of green grass in front of the MRT station had a layer of morning mist.

God says it all. The creator of everything. Thank you Lord for such a beautiful morning with such a sight.

Distorted?

I met up an ex-colleague (about my age) over lunch today. We weren't exactly close before, I was in sales and she was my marketing support. There was more work talk than personal sharing when we were.. well.. together.

She's now with another company and since she's in town, we arranged to meet another colleague and myself for lunch. Over the lunch chat, I soon learnt that she's determined to not be married, not have children and aims to die at the age of 45, if she does not die by then desired age, she will take an injection to end her life. She set this "plans" about 5 years ago which means she is still pretty convicted with her "plans" It didn't seem that she's joking or depressed and I am not a guillable(spelling?) person as well.
What really bothered me was the fact she said it like it's really casual and there is no way anyone would change her mind. And she's accepted Christ. I'm not trying to do any bashing upon religion but it's really disturbing to see someone who has known and loved Christ decide on something she knew would disappoint Him.
It was quite a depressing session. The other colleague who went along for this lunch is having marital problems. Apparently, she's already at the non-speaking stage with her spouse.

I however declared loudly that they will be in my prayers. As much as I have no idea what to pray for as I will never know what is best for them but I'll definitely ask God to give them a loving touch.